Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is set to purchase the personality of an unborn child.
The notoriously dull oligarch, who hit the jackpot when the Soviet Union collapsed, has spent millions funding the research of under-world witch doctors, who are in fact homeless people addicted to methamphetamine.
A source close to Abramovich, has revealed that the Russian has been picking out clothes for someone who only exists in his deranged mind.
“Roman has been wasting large amounts of time and money on something that isn’t scientifically possible. We’re all really excited for him.”
Abramovich, who is often mistaken for a cardigan salesman, can usually be found in his office, staring at the wall, waiting for his life to end.
But, it seems that entering into a fantasy world has given the human mannequin dummy a new lease of life, which will soon be destroyed with the realisation that he will always be a boring bastard defined by his obscene wealth.
A spokesperson for Chelsea Football Club has insisted that the owner’s pre-occupation with fiction such as The Metamorphosis and The Adventures of Pinocchio, has not interfered with his running of the club.
“Football is not a complex sport. If you are a club in London with more money that anyone else, then you will win trophies.
“The fact that Mr Abramovich is so dull that he kills all plant life when he enters a room, is not an issue.
“His latest obsession with acquiring a personality will probably result in him knocking the life out of a youth team player, before moving on to some other interest.”