Doctor Pedro Smarti Pants has insisted that this information is correct, despite the fact that he has sold his story to feed his own gigantic crack habit.
He said: “Ronaldo’s father was an infamous box jockey who was allergic to the rubber variety of contraceptives.
“Therefore he would wrap absolutely anything around his dick trunk before dipping his wife from a standing position.
“Does this explain why Ronaldo is such a wanker? Absolutely it does. Now give me my crack you fucking bastard.”
Of course, this unequivocal proof that all the world’s assholes have mutated from the use of unconventional johnny bags will surely blow the lid off the world of science.
For instance, was Al Capone conceived as a result of a worn down hush puppy slipper which his father had fashioned into a sex sleeve for his stumpy yet sturdy cock pole? You better fucking believe it, now fuck off.