Humourless grump Roy Keane has admitted he has fallen out with new Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill.
Feisty dwarf O’Neill has inexplicably chosen Keane as his assistant, despite the former United captain having the social skills of an incontinent transvestite who lives on death row as a lifestyle choice.
Indeed, professional contrarian Keane insisted that damaging relationships with well meaning people is what he does best.
He said: “The fact is, I am a terrible person who struggles to inhabit the Earth with other humans.
“I haven’t received any mail for almost a decade, because I used to berate the postman for not being WHO I FUCKING WANTED HIM TO BE…..”
Keane had to be restrained while talking about the postal service, and was eventually sedated after he ripped the face off a young EPL Wire intern, who happened to enter the room with a letter in her hand. Unfortunately, she died later on that day, from unrelated injuries.
Interestingly, a source close to Martin O’Neill, explained that sub-human Keane will be used as a lighting rod for any negative publicity.
The source said: “Having such an infamous fuck up like Roy Keane in the backroom staff will deflect any negative attention away from Martin.
“If Ireland fail to qualify, the media will blame Roy. If a player is found cowering in the dressing room, after a clinical bout of non-consensual sex, you know who the media will blame.”