Bone crunching centre back Ryan Shawcross has officially become the latest member of mediocre girl band Sugababes.
A spokesperson for the group announced that the Stoke City stopper’s disdain for human life prompted the shock move.
“The record company believe that Ryan’s deplorable discipline on the football pitch will translate well into the manufactured world of lies that is pop music.
“Do you know how many legs managers and music producers have to break to get things done? The answer is some, and that is obviously an area which Ryan can get involved in right away.”
Stoke manager Mark Hughes revealed his surprise at losing his captain to a frivolous pop group who dress like night walkers, cannot dance and are supported by girls who see bullying as a viable means to getting ahead in life.
He said: “It’s obviously not something anyone could have predicted Ryan getting involved in.
“But the lad doesn’t say much, so who knows what goes on inside that complex mind – especially when he isn’t putting people in hospital and effectively ending their careers prematurely- he could actually be quite musical.”