Scottish football has been downgraded to junk bond status by the international football ratings agency Pish & Poor.
The downgrade is based on the World Soccer GMF (Glamour Money Filth) Index. This takes account of a number of factors, chief of which are:
1. The lack of international celebrities associating themselves with Scottish football. Rod Stewart doesn’t count because he is old, washed-up and blubs a lot. He’s been crap since the Faces anyway and they were a London band.
2. The lack of metro-sexual appeal of many Scottish players. A preponderance of monobrows, peely-wallyism and undefined thighs, the lack of snoods, gloves and hairbands among the players. The general ‘borstal’ lardy look of them.
3. The low standard of refreshments available at Scottish grounds. One inspector choked on a piece of Scotch pie at Heart of Midlothian and had to be revived by the club doctor.
4. The comparatively pitifully low wages received by the players and therefore their low celebrity profile. No Bentleys, no Hummers, no 25k bar tabs at famous nightclubs. No expensive hair transplants. The low level of international brand endorsements especially male grooming products.
5. The cheap clothes worn by many of the football managers and the absence of ‘on trend’ gentlemen’s tailoring.
6. The shortage of ‘Galacticos’ plying their trade in the SPL. It’s too cold for them, the money is tight, there are not many Michelin starred restaurants and there are very few decent nightclubs to be seen in. Also they still use the word discotheque north of the border which Galacticos find ‘uncool’.
7. The relatively unsophisticated state of the Scottish tattoo industry leaving many of the players no choice but to sport simple domestic-themed tats like ‘Maw and Da’.
We contacted the SPL for a comment but they were out at an ‘all-you-can-eat’ mutton buffet.