This season, Tottenham have wasted more money on one-legged talent than Paul McCartney, and are now set to blow £10-million on former England fucknut Heskey.
Manager Andre Villas Boas confirmed he couldn’t organise a party for an obese child whose family own a bakery.
He said: “When you are not scoring goals the obvious solution is to purchase a potent striker.
“However, I believe on doubling down on my mistakes. Therefore I am going forward with the Heskey bid, despite the fact that he couldn’t score a goal in a post-apocalyptic future where the human race has been replaced with lizard humanoids who have very little interest in team sports.”
A source close to Heskey, who is currently playing in backward utopia Australia, revealed the player is still as shit as ever.
The source said: “Emile is one of the worst footballers in the history of mankind. Yet his oversized and borderline offensive appearance make him an attractive option for manager’s who don’t know what they are doing.
“Basically, he is to shit managers what alcohol is to the inherently weak.”