Disturbed striker Mario Balotelli has been hired to negotiate the safe release of Italian nationals, held captive by gullible religious fanatics.
The stroppy Milan forward, who will never seek the help he sorely needs, was headhunted by authorities because of his no-nonsense attitude.
A source close to Balotelli, confirmed his insecurities have ultimately enslaved him inside his own stupid head.
“Mario honestly doesn’t give a flying fuck about anybody but himself.
“The corrupt Italian authorities have identified this as a strength and have given him the authority to effectively end the lives of innocent people who are incapable of bullshitting their way out of high pressure situations.
“It’s a very exciting moment for this joke country.”
A spokesperson for the Italian Police, Givemea Bungio, has expressed his delight at this ridiculous situation.
He said: “Mario represents modern Italy; because he is an International laughing stock who has been corrupted by money, sex and tight clothing.”