Luis Suarez has launched an astonishing attack on Britain’s media, insisting that he is in fact a lovely person, who only appears to be a raving sociopath.
The want-away Liverpool striker made the claims while on holiday with his agent, armed only with a wig, his passport and bag full of money.
He said: “The media, especially the tabloids in England, are a disgrace.
“Ok, so maybe I did try to eat someone? So what?
“I was raised in a environment where eating people or verbally abusing them in the most heinous way possible was just a way of life.
“Of course, the tabloids never mention that, or the fact that my mother was a Rottweiler, and my father was a glue sniffing butcher with a penchant for beastiality.
“They don’t publish these things because it doesn’t fit into their narrative that they have created for me.”
A source within the Liverpool coaching staff revealed that Suarez spends most of his free time dressed in a Hannibal Lecter mask while watching the re-runs of the Leveson Inquiry.
“Luis was obsessed with the inquiry into media ethics. When he retires he says that he plans to eat a journalist simply on the basis of what they look like.”