Muscle-bound show-off Cristiano Ronaldo has revealed that he was born with a micro-penis and has spent his entire life over compensating. The Real Madrid forward confirmed the news while trying to locate his redundant porridge pump with a torch and a pair of specially designed small dick tweezers. He said: “I’m …
Manchester United dribbler Nani has announced plans to become a full time carer to anybody stupid enough to give him money. The injury prone Portuguese slacker confirmed that his decision was based solely on the fact that he is a huge Mary Poppins fan. He said: “When I was younger …
Ridiculous human Jose Mourinho has thrown a childish tantrum after Arsenal complained about Chelsea’s tough tackling. Ego maniac Mourinho confirmed he does not possess enough self awareness to understand the irony of the situation. He said: “If there is no one thing I hate, it’s people who complain. “I also …
One season wonder Andre Villas-Boas has confirmed his intention to go back to school, following his sacking from Tottenham Hotspur. The former Porto and Chelsea loser, who has been compared to teenage doctor Doogie Howser, is unable to read, write or stand up for himself. A source close to AVB, …