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Cristiano Ronaldo Has An Incredibly Small Penis

June 3, 2014 | Filed under: Europe, Internationals

Muscle-bound show-off Cristiano Ronaldo has revealed that he was born with a micro-penis and has spent his entire life over compensating. The Real Madrid forward confirmed the news while trying to locate his redundant porridge pump with a torch and a pair of specially designed small dick tweezers. He said: “I’m …

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Nani To Start Child Minding Company

January 30, 2014 | Filed under: epl news, Europe

Manchester United dribbler Nani has announced plans to become a full time carer to anybody stupid enough to give him money. The injury prone Portuguese slacker confirmed that his decision was based solely on the fact that he is a huge Mary Poppins fan. He said: “When I was younger …

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Moany Mourinho Complains About Arsenal’s Moaning

December 24, 2013 | Filed under: epl news

Ridiculous human Jose Mourinho has thrown a childish tantrum after Arsenal complained about Chelsea’s tough tackling. Ego maniac Mourinho confirmed he does not possess enough self awareness to understand the irony of the situation. He said: “If there is no one thing I hate, it’s people who complain. “I also …

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Andre Villas-Boas To Finish High School

December 16, 2013 | Filed under: epl news

One season wonder Andre Villas-Boas has confirmed his intention to go back to school, following his sacking from Tottenham Hotspur. The former Porto and Chelsea loser, who has been compared to teenage doctor Doogie Howser, is unable to read, write or stand up for himself. A source close to AVB, …

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