Pretend Newcastle supporter Tony Blair has declared his intention to invade the war torn mess of a club.
The former Prime Minister, whose soul is destined to burn in hell for all eternity, insists sticking his nose into conflicts is what he does best.
He said: “Even though I have never been to a football match and am inherently evil, I feel an obligation to mediate the crisis which is happening at Newcastle.
“What I like about the owner Mike Ashley is that he loves making wrong decisions and that is something which is obviously dear to my heart.
“If there is some way I can bring the manager Alan Pardew together with director of football Joe Kinnear, then maybe, just maybe, we can figure out a way of killing thousands of innocent women and children in a foreign country.
“In my experience, there is no better way to bond with someone.”
A spokesperson for Newcastle United, revealed that Blair’s intervention could help the club finally win a game of football, for the first time in their history.
“Blair made a name for himself by declaring war on false pretenses and that is exactly the kind of moxy that we need around here.
“Maybe we could make up a lie about Sunderland? And then flatten the place like a concrete pancake filled with living people who have families and dreams.
“Let’s hope so, because something needs to change around here, and maybe genocide is the way to go.”