Prepubescent feline Fernando Torres is set to enter the brutal sport of mixed martial arts, known as Ultimate Fighting, following his scratching attack at Spurs.
The Chelsea striker, who once became trapped inside a paper bag, believes he possesses the necessary guile and stupidity to enter the homoerotic blood brawl.
A spokesperson for Torres confirmed one punch could realistically end his existence on Earth.
“Fernando has the build of a muscled supermodel and will most likely suffer severe brain trauma after one minute inside the cage.
“He will be fighting men who are cannot read or write because their hefty mitts crush anything which touches them.
“His family are making funeral arrangements but will not attend as they will be spending their inheritance on vacuous pursuits that bear no relation to their fallen benefactor.”
The mis-firing frontman has hired someone purporting to be legendary boxing trainer Angelo Dundee, who died of heart disease in 2012.
Torres hopes that with the con-man’s assistance he can defy the odds and become champion of a sport which no one over the age of 15 cares about.
He said: “I like the fact that my trainer pretends to be Muhammad Ali’s boxing coach.
“Of course, Dundee famously backed Ali through out his career, even after he had developed parkinson’s disease, they kept fighting, because he knew that money is more important than happiness.
“That’s the kind of person I want in my corner.”