Moyes, who is statistically the biggest loser at United, is scaring off players who are not used to self harming and public displays of nudity.
According to coach Phil Neville, the manager’s unorthodox methods will need time to fully develop.
He said: “David’s all around negative and defeatist attitude is undoubtedly something that Manchester United isn’t used to.
“But who is to say that it won’t work.”
He added: “There was a Spanish player last summer that we all thought would sign. But David started phoning the player late at night and telling him that he loved him, all teary eyed.
“He thought it would show the player how much the club wanted him. And even though he didn’t join us, he did show immense pity for the boss, which is better than nothing.”
A source close to former boss Sir Alex Ferguson confirmed that Moyes has turned the club into one big Eastenders episode.
The source said: “Sir Alex thought that bringing in a manager who had never won anything would have been great for the club. He honestly expected Moyes to transform over night into something he is not.
“The board even called the Moyes project ‘Operation Polish The Turd’. Of course, the more they polished, the bigger the stench. Moyes had never even been on an airplane before joining United. The guy still uses Teletext for fuck’s sake.”