Blackburn Rovers have announced jaw-mangling plans to create the world’s first footballer from ‘in vitro’ meat.
V.S Pullao, from Chicken Corporation Venky India, announced the plans during a press conference in front of half-cut second string journalists from the national and international press.
Chicken Dopey Bastard
He said: “Venky’s mission statement is ‘Quality Through Technology’. We intend to lead the world in applied artificial meat production.
“We will be using technology we have developed from the mechanical recovery process used for our ‘mystery chicken’ range of microwaveable dinners.”
A Venky’s scientist explained further: “We have created a matrix of collagen which we then seed with chicken muscle cells which are bathed in nutrient solution and stimulated to divide.
“So far we have created a cultured left foot although we have had problems with the toes falling off. We tested the foot in a simulated penalty shoot-out and two of the toes fell off.
“We think the protein mix may need more seasoning. Once we have perfected this we will start on the rest of the body and hope to have the first player ready in time for the 2014 season.”
Manager Gary Bowyer, said: “Our youth policy hasn’t really worked. All we have to show for it is a bunch of morons who want to go to Magaluf and shag.
“Top class players are now too expensive to buy. I mean £100m for Gareth Bale? Do you know how many chickens that could get you? There’s no way this football team can afford to pay tens of millions for crap footballers who then disappoint the fans.
“It’s cheaper to make our own crap footballer from artificial meat. If the fans go off him we can always put him on the BBQ and serve him up to fans and corporate sponsors as burgers.
“That’s why Venky’s is incorporating genetic material from onions into the protein substrate – it locks in the flavour. That’s what I call 21st Century thinking for Blackburn fans. Anyway if I don’t support this I’ll be sacked by the Venky owners just like the last four managers.”
What should Bowyer do? Should he treat triumph and disaster just the same or should he introduce the “centrepede” – a 20-legged forward – who can’t miss?