United chief exec David Gill has likened the striker to a mercurial dog who occasionally performs tricks for the amusement of others.
He said: “We believe that Wayne is half canine. When he doesn’t get his own way he barks and snarls. But of course, when he is outside in the world he really doesn’t know where he is or where he is going.
“That, and he cannot look up.”
The England frontman is known to be so impaired that he cannot spell his own name or distinguish between food and faecal matter.
A club spokesperson released this statement confirming that the player had retracted his transfer request.
“When Wayne realised that leaving United would involve going to another place, he quickly changed his mind.”
Ever since Rooney joined the club from Everton in 2004, he has been chaperoned by youth team players who are keen to boost their resumes.