Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has revealed he plans to live the rest of his life as an unattractive female called Jemima.
Rooney made the claims while fending off reports he is on the verge of signing for title rivals Chelsea.
He said: “I haven’t had time to think about my professional life.
“All my energy is focused on my sex reassignment surgery which will see me transform into a woman with an ass and breasts that will make you beg for butter milk.”
United boss David Moyes has confirmed the club will support the England star during his transition from male humanoid to unshaven female vixen.
He said: “I actually think this could benefit the squad.
“If we have a lady in the team it could be good for moral.
“Put it this way, the attendance at training will probably go through the roof if there is a chance of an office romance or even a gammie in the showers.”