Charismatic loser Arsene Wenger has confirmed all his strikers are to have their dicks burnt off in front of a group of youth players whose enthusiasm for the game is being intentionally drilled out of them.
The Arsenal manager insists that everything at the club is geared towards his own twisted perception of normality.
He said: “I have no idea how or when I became a sporting deviant obsessed with underachieving. Some people say it’s when I started slamming crystal meth, but I think the origins are far more cerebral than that.
“Of course, like any addict I have no real desire to change and intend to drive this club into the burning depths of hell with me.”
Wenger has also refuted claims from mouthy right winger Jeremy Clarkson that having chocolate for breakfast has made France a weaker global power.
He said: ” I have no idea what you are talking about.”