Wigan chairman Whelan employed a crack team of scientists to assess how bad the former Bolton boss actually was. Their findings will reportedly change the world forever.
The lead scientist, Richard Head, revealed Coyle is descended from a long line of incompetent managers who have presided over some of the biggest fuck ups in human history.
He said: “Mr Coyle’s ancestry was so astonishing, it blew the shit stains off our pump holes.
“Everything from the Wall Street crash to the made-up floods in the Bible, they all come back to Owen Coyle. We knew then it was only a matter of time before he took Wigan apart at the seams.
“We immediately called the police. But there was no need to explain, they can smell a fuck up from a country mile away. He’s in the hands of the law now, there’s no telling what they might do….only things for sure is they’ll do what’s right.”
Prime Minister David Cameron released a statement congratulating Whelan for recognising the dangers of having such a shit manager at his club and eliminating the threat from society.
He said: “This government intends to work with Wigan Athletic and the heroic team of scientists that helped identify Owen Coyle as a shit manager.
“Look, no one knows fuck ups better than I do, I’ve got a whole party full of them. I know how hard a task it must have been, I think Mr Whelan should be congratulated for his bravery and quick thinking.”