Straw-chinned, gasbag boxer, Audley Harrison, has been appointed by the calamitous West Midlands outfit, Wolverhampton Wanderers, as a motivational coach.
The Molineux side’s chief executive, Jex Moxey, made the announcement from a grotty sauna in Tipton, where the untalented, self-important ‘Olympian’ was engaged in a sparring session with an obese, middle-aged grandmother named Phyllis.
Moxey revealed his delight at matching Harrison’s woeful reputation with the downwardly mobile League One club.
He said: “With my inability to complete a kids colouring-in book, my tendency to do fuck-all for a handsome salary, and our pending partnership with a pea-brained buffoon, Wolves are on-course for playing Hednesford in the ninth-tier, on a dung-heap, in front of Lenny Henry’s family within a few years.”
A reporter caught up with Harrison from an ambulance outside Molineux, where he spouted his typical Terry Pratchett style fantasy.
He said: ”I can’t punch a hole in a soggy newspaper, I’ve had my legs in the air more often than Faria Alam in a Swedish playground; this clubs going straight to the top.”