Big nosed ego maniac Zlatan Ibrahimovic has decided to marry his himself after declaring that all religions should be abolished because God is ‘past it’.
The lanky PSG frontman made the announcement after forward rolling his way to training while simultaneously fellating himself.
A source close to Ibrahimovic confirmed the player wants to kick the shit out of God.
The source said: “Zlatan obviously loves himself. He plans to set up a cult, mostly filled with incoherent Japanese tourists who are incapable of thinking for themselves.
“After a few years, he will then make his way to the top of a mountain, where he will take a shit, in the hope that God will smell it.
“Of course, the plan is still in its infancy and it will undoubtedly develop over the coming weeks and months.”
Former PSG manager Carlo Ancelotti explained that Ibra’s plans will fail faster than a company which makes business cards for retarded elderly people.
He said: “If Zlatan was not our best player, I would have personally taken off his clothes, placed them in a compacting machine, and then shoved the by-product up his dick hole.”